The Mitchells vs the Machines

screaming gibbon monkey
Katie My dad kind of reminds me of that YouTube video of the screaming gibbon monkey.

You can do this
Katie My mom says she believes in me.
mom You can do this, hon.
Katie But she says that to everyone.
mom You can look straight.
mom Follow this pen.
mom Follow this pen.
mom You get an "A" for effort, Buster Brown.

we can make ten seconds of unobstructed family eye contact
dad This is our last night together before Katie leaves, so let's savor this.
dad How about we put our phones down,
dad and we can make ten seconds of unobstructed family eye contact?
dad Starting right...
Katie This seems...
dad Put your phone down. Now.
dad See, this is good right here.
dad This is natural.
dad No, you're allowed to blink.
dad It's just eye contact.
dad Look at Monch.
dad That's the spirit right there, huh?
dad Katie, it seems like you're not taking this seriously.
Katie What makes you say that?
dad Guys... Everyone, focus.

even their dog is in better shape than ours
mom You know, the Poseys are on vacation right now,
mom and look how happy they are.
neighbor Family yoga break.
son Why are you obsessed with the Poseys?
son They're just our neighbors.
mom They're just so perfect.
mom I mean, even their dog is in better shape than ours.
mom What are they feeding that thing?
mom Other dogs?

this place has literally zero stars on Yelp
Katie Dad, this place has literally zero stars on Yelp.
Katie It says, "Do not eat here ever."
dad What, are we gonna let an app tell us how to...
dad This is totally unrelated.
dad This is totally unrel...

I'm just gonna turn them off permanently!
dad Everything will be fine,
dad because I have a plan.
dad Okay, the first thing is,
dad you're gonna have to hand over your devices.
dad Right here.
Katie This doesn't seem...
son I'm not sure...
dad It's gonna be fine.
dad I'll give 'em right back.
dad I'm just gonna turn them off permanently!
Katie What? Dad!
dad This is necessary so they can't track us.
dad Trust me, this is causing me no joy!
dad Ha ha! This hurts me more than it hurts you!
dad And, as promised, your phones.
son Thank you, Father.

We're not defective
robot You, human.
Katie Aah! Don't take us!
robot Okay. Uh...
Katie What?
Katie Oh my gosh. The robots are defective.
robot No, no. They know too much.
robot Silence.
robot We are... We're not defective.
robot We're not even...
robot We're not robots.
robot Just humans, yes, like you.
dad These guys seem dumber than the other robots.
robot Brother, we should go.
Katie No! I order you to stop.
robot Okay.
robot Uh, we are just stopping because we chose to.
robot No, we're not.
robot We are humans.
robot We are.
robot For example, we consume food in the traditional human manner.
robot Observe.
robot Yum, yum, good. Yum, yum, good.
robot See?

Dog? Pig? Dog?
robot Why are you clutching that large feral hog like it's a child?
son That's not a feral hog. It's Monchi.
robot What?
robot Is that a dog or...
robot Dog? Pig? Dog?
robot Pig? Dog? Pig? Pig? Dog? Dog?
robot Loaf of bread.
robot System error.
dad Come on, guys. It's a dog.
dad We think.

This is humiliating.
dad How you doing, Aaron?
son Not good.
son There's a pack of wild vacuums.
vacuum We have been summoned into the field of battle.
vacuum Forward.
vacuum Oh no. Ouch. Ouch.
vacuum The pain. Ouch.
vacuum This is humiliating.
son Never mind.

Yes, my queen.
mobile I have a job for you.
killer Yes, my queen.
robot What a suck-up.
robot "Yes, my queen."
robot "Whatever you want."

The endgame has begun.
dad Ah, this is gonna be harder than I thought.
Katie Hold on. Dad, that's... that's kind of weak.
Katie This is, like, a big moment.
Katie Try this instead.
dad Oh yeah. Okay. That's better.
dad The endgame has begun.
dad That? Is that what you're looking for?

that's a hurtful stereotype
robot Left, right, left, right.
dad Bleep, blorp, bleep, blorp.
robot What? What are you doing?
dad Bleep, blorp, bleep, blorp. I am a robot.
robot Just to educate you,
robot that's a hurtful stereotype.

Uh, English.
dad W-W-W dot...
dad Oh God. Uh...
dad "Remind me later."
dad Okay, yeah, fine. That's fine.
dad Five minutes!
dad Aah! No!
dad Uh, English.
dad What have I done?

I'm a computer expert.
Katie Hey, Dad, you subscribed to my YouTube channel?
Katie Thanks. I'm surprised you even figured out how.
dad Katie, please. After all that, I'm a computer expert.
dad Am I doing this right?
dad Should I update my software?
mom Just hit "enter"! Hit "enter"!
dad I accidentally ordered 12 Swiffers on Amazon! What did I...
dad You know, uh, no problem at all.
Katie Thanks. It... it means a lot to me.